FOR THE LAST TIME,
I’M NOT PREGNANT
By Sharon Naylor
From Radiance
Summer 1998
As a woman of ample proportions and in my childbearing
years, I’ve been approached by complete strangers and asked when I’m due to give
birth. Just because I have a slightly rounded belly, am blessed with C cups, wear
oversized shirts, and am in my twenties, they assume that I must be
pregnant.
At first, I treated it casually. I was already used to
the well-meaning questions of my family, who were eager to see our family’s first
grandchild. To my family, I would respond with a smile, “You’ll be the first to
know when it happens”: the kind and polite response I had learned from the etiquette
columns.
With strangers, at first, I’d allow them to put
their hands on my stomach. I would be greatly amused when they would swear that they felt
the baby kick!
Soon, it was not so much fun to be on the receiving end
of “Are you pregnant?” and “When are you due?"—especially when I
began to have troubles with infertility and miscarriages. Can you blame me? One time, I
went over the edge, screaming, “No, I’m not pregnant: I’m fat!” to a
long-time-no-see cousin at a bridal shower, bringing her to tears. She felt awful and I
felt worse.
So I decided then and there to laugh it off and to have
some fun coming up with as many tactful comebacks as possible to those prying questions.
Nowadays, when I hear, “So, when are you
due?”—the most common phrasing of the big assumption, or, rather, the assumption
of why I’m big—my response, accompanied by a shrug, is “I have no
idea.” Because I don’t. If I’m in a particularly bad mood owing to yet
another negative pregnancy test, I’ll come back with, “And how about you?"
(They think twice about asking next time!)
When I hear, “So, when’s the blessed
event?" I smile blissfully and say, “Oh, my wedding was four years ago.”
When the comment is, “I see you’re
expecting,” I have a reply ready: “I’m expecting a lot of things, but a
baby isn’t one of them.”
When the question is, “So how far along are
you?” my answer is, “Twenty-seven years.”
I have two sarcastic responses when my patience wears
very thin. When the offender squeals and comes out with, “I didn’t know you were
pregnant!" I feign shock and say, “I didn’t know either! How did you
know?" Or I just look down at my body in amazement and say, “I am? So
that’s what’s going on! I was wondering about that.”
The rare but top prize winner in rudeness is
“You’re so pregnant!" To this, I reply, “You’re so
wrong” or “You’re so rude,” depending on how well I know the
perpetrator.
All of my responses leave the speaker stunned, and
I’m then free to explain my lack of an “interesting condition." I do so
with a good-natured smile, not a sneer.
It takes a big effort to be considerate of the feelings
of those inconsiderate of yours, even when the comment is unintentionally hurtful.
But the best antidote to a remark that causes pain is an answer that is pleasant, pointed,
and tactful. It tells people not to repeat their mistake. And it’s far better
than breaking down into tears and getting so upset that you hear from well-meaning
friends, “Wow, that’s some mood swing. Are you pregnant? I didn’t
know you were pregnant. When are you due?”�
SHARON NAYLOR
is the author of 100 Reasons to Keep Him . . . 100 Reasons to Dump Him (Three
Rivers Press, 1998) and the wedding planner CD-ROM, Create the Wedding of Your Dreams (Sofsource,
1998). |
