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Clever Comebacks
to
Rude Remarks

From Radiance Summer 1998

On the first night of our large-women-only water exercise class, more than thirty women showed up at the local YWCA, a number unheard of for one of its regular classes. Most of the women were supersize or at the high end of midsize.

The only fly in the ointment was that our instructor had no earthly idea how to adapt water exercise for fat people. She went way too fast and didn’t seem to notice that it took us longer to move our limbs through the water than it did her "average-size" classes. She also made no attempt to take into consideration the heavier weight and potential strain on joints. We reveled in the feel of the water after—for many of us—a lifetime of avoiding swimming pools, but we weren’t given the chance to just float around and feel our bodies. The instructor was bound and determined to help us shape up. I was very disappointed and when I heard the disgruntled comments of people who couldn’t keep up with the exercise pace or whose knees were hurting, I was afraid the class wouldn’t make it. Fewer and fewer people showed up each succeeding week.

We were down to about fifteen one night, when the instructor kept harping on holding in our tummies while we aerobicized ourselves. She kept going on about it until, finally, one woman snapped, "Why is it necessary to hold in our stomachs?"

The young and clueless instructor said, with a totally straight face, "So your tummies won’t pooch out."

Stunned silence greeted the comment. We all stood perfectly still for several seconds. Finally, from the back of the pool came the voice of a woman who had never spoken up before. "Have you looked at us?" she asked.

At that, we all looked at one another, and the class erupted into gales of belly laughter that only a room full of supersize women could have shared. Soon we were literally rolling in the water, bobbing up and down like corks, laughing uncontrollably.

I’ve come to adopt the following, said in a nice, loud voice: "Well, yes, I am fat and you are not. However, I have a kind and gentle heart, and treat all people with respect, which I see you do not."

Most of the time, the moron who made the negative comment doesn’t get it, but those who overhear it all snicker and say "Right on," which is my intent. Then the moron has to ask someone to explain what just happened. It really makes my day!

One afternoon, I was out and about with my good friend. Neither of us had much spending money, but we were out for fun, driving around in my old beat-up convertible.

As I stopped at a red light, we heard some shouting and yelling from the sidewalk. I turned and my face froze as I began to hear what this woman was saying to me. She went on and on about my size and my ability to drive a car. She mentioned various parts of my body and how huge everything was. She said I should not be allowed on the streets. Out of her mouth, faster and faster, fat was attached to every filthy word. The light lasted forever. Her male companion joined in the barrage of fat hate. Finally, the light changed.

My friend was furious and wanted to shout back at them. I pretended it didn’t matter, for my friend. "Don’t sink to that level," I told her. "It happens all the time."

But this incident was with me all that day, and I woke up the next morning with it. Being fat since birth, I am no stranger to fat bashing, but some incidents stay with you longer and are harder to forget.

I will never see those people again. I give them to the Higher Power to deal with. But did I do the right thing? Should I have screamed back? Would that have prevented this lump stuck in my throat? Or the tears? Could I have said anything that would have prevented another verbal assault on another fat person? I don’t know. This one hurt, a lot.

Another beautiful day in San Francisco, I was driving my son and his friend to the park in my convertible. As I drove up the street, construction workers began jeering and pointing. At the park, a woman yelled loudly from her car, first, "Oh, my God," and then, "Slimfast, Slimfast, Jenny Craig, Jenny Craig." On the way home, a lady and a man and child on bikes yelled, "There’s that big fat lady in the car." I stopped to ask the construction workers a question about parking on the street. They were rendered nearly speechless. What would you do? Yell back? Not drive in public with the car top down? I don’t want to take it anymore.

Response to Moonswimmer:

My aunt was a fat activist way back when! One day at the grocery store as she was getting out of her car, a woman made a big deal out of trying to get the guy she was with to look at my aunt. My aunt went over to their car, thumped on the hood, and said, "Here I am. Get a good look now." She turned all around a time or two, and said, "I wouldn’t want you to miss anything." Then she went on into the store to do her shopping.

The guy was mortified and chastised the woman. We all took great satisfaction from that family story. I’ve been prone to such tactics myself for as long as I can remember!

My friends and I went to a restaurant one evening for dinner. As I walked toward our table, I noticed a mother, father, grandparents, and two children sitting together. The mother looked up at me, gasped, and then immediately started nudging and tapping everyone at the table to get their attention. One by one, they each looked at me and either snickered or whispered something.

I walked up to the table. I leaned over toward the mother, and in a loud voice I said, "Shame on you! You’re teaching your children to be as rude as you are!" As soon as I said "Shame on you," the children immediately lowered their eyes and the mother’s and grandmother’s mouths dropped open. Then I stood up straight, turned, and walked into the other room with a smile of victory on my face.

* * *

At my private swim class, I was sitting in the hot therapy pool, half-dozing and dreaming. At first, I was only partially aware of the whispering and laughing to my left. Eventually, I peeked my eyes open and saw two young men in their twenties sitting on a bench about twelve feet from me. I switched places in the pool so I was facing them and could keep one eye on them! Just as I suspected, they were watching and commenting on the few women who were still in the pool. At that point, I knew I had to say something to these intruders on our private swim time.

I said in a loud voice, "Excuse me. This is our time in the pool, and we don’t need little boys laughing at us." They got all defensive and said with a shrug, "We’re not saying anything." And with that I yelled, "Bullshit! I’m fat, not deaf!" The lifeguard saw this happen and kicked them out.

I have a lot of fun with most of my confrontations. Mostly I just wave at people in restaurants or to passersby when I notice them staring or whispering, just to let them know that I see what they’re doing. This alone usually embarrasses them.

I’ll tell you about one of my first fat-bashing confrontations, years ago. I was walking the dog in my neighborhood when two teenage boys walked toward me and made some rude comment about my weight. I looked at them and smiled a knowing smile and said, "You don’t know who I am, do you?" They looked at each other and sneered, "No!?"

I said back, "I’m..." and then paused and smiled again. "No, I think I’ll wait until you realize who I am and then watch how embarrassed you are!" I said, and I left them standing there looking frightened.

To this day, I chuckle to myself, because I don’t know who these boys were, and they probably still wonder who I am!

My slender, good-looking husband and I stopped at an unfamiliar bar one afternoon, just to have a Coke. A man about thirty years old was sitting just a few stools down from us. He started making rude, insulting remarks about fat women. I sat up very straight and lifted my chin as though I were balancing a book on my head! I slowly looked straight at him and kept looking at him. I also quietly continued talking with my husband. I wasn’t staring or giving this rude person dirty looks. I liked staying calm and dignified while being in his face. He seemed to get a bit uncomfortable even though he kept up the remarks. Very noticeably, none of the other men present chimed in. We did not stay long. When we left, I was feeling a little bit tense and a very little bit hurt, but I was also very proud of myself for not letting that man take away my feelings of self-worth.

I do not object to assertive comebacks. I would like to be more verbal with people who are mean and insulting, but I fear losing my temper and my dignity by saying too much. I applaud those who can tell people off. Hearing their stories makes me feel good.

I was walking home from work one day and this older man on a park bench made a nasty comment about me. Something like, "Are you fat enough?" I stopped, looked at him, and replied, "No, I think I could use a few more pounds on my tits. What do you think?" And I flashed him. I thought the poor man was gonna die.

Another time, I was walking along and another older man sitting on a bench made a negative remark. I stopped dead in my tracks, turned, and gave him my look of death. "Excuse me?" I said. I guess I scared him, because he practically tried to crawl under the bench. All he could say was, "Uh, I said, nice day, isn’t it?" To which I said, "Yeah, that’s what I thought you said," and walked away. The look-that-could-kill is a valuable weapon.

One day, my aunt and I were at my grandmother’s, and my grandmother said I ought to lose weight because I have such a pretty face. My aunt and I looked at each other. We both made comments to the effect that she may have meant it as a compliment (which she did), but it was really no compliment. I asked her what she would have said if I were a "normal" weight and butt ugly. Would she tell me I had such a beautiful body that I should have cosmetic surgery? She stopped for a minute and thought and then she said, "No, I’ve never thought about it that way before." We told her it was okay and started laughing because of the look on her face. She never did it again.

A few years ago on Halloween, I was standing in line waiting to go to Edgar Allan Poe’s grave. I was dressed as a rabbit, and one of the men in line made a loud comment about "That bunny needs weight loss." Later, I thought of the ideal comeback: "Look, honey, somebody’s come as an asshole!"

I have a comeback that works really well for me. When provoked, I look right at the person and say loudly, but not confrontationally, "Excuse me, are you talking to me (about me)?" If they continue, with something like, "Yeah, I was," then I say, "May I ask you a question then?" Usually there is dead silence. Then I say, "I’m curious, did your mother raise all of her children to be bigots, or did she single you out?" I say this loud enough so that other people hear it. It has never failed to embarrass.

I was in a yogurt store one day when a woman who had children with her started in about me. People my size are terribly unhealthy and unhappy, and we get this big by eating too many treats like ice cream and cake, and that is why her kids could only eat desserts on rare occasions, so that they wouldn’t grow up to be like me. I suppose everyone has the right to indoctrinate their children any way they see fit, but this lady was loud and only about four feet from me. I made eye contact with her, and she grimaced. I thought it was over, but she continued on and on (and louder and louder) about how being fat is caused by laziness and gluttony and that God was very unhappy with me.

This lady really pushed a lot of my buttons in a very short time. I didn’t want to make a scene; I was overwhelmed. I wanted to respond, but I think I just stood there with my mouth hanging open.

I got my cane and left, walking the long way around. This was years ago and I have replayed the incident in my mind many ways. I am disappointed that in no way did I educate her kids. She was wrong to have no consideration for other people and their feelings. I still don’t know what I "should" have done, except that I should have done something.

Dear bake4me:

You did what you were capable of doing at that moment, when faced with such a ghastly insult. It is a great idea, though, to try to learn from these experiences, to be able to cope if it happens again.

The most important thing is to feel prepared. If you find a couple of comebacks you like, rehearse them mentally until you feel you can deliver them on "autopilot." Then try to relive the moment of distress, complete with all the emotions, and imagine delivering your retort and exiting with style and grace rather than with shame. (If you don’t rehearse with the emotions, you might feel too overwhelmed to pull it off later, so that part is really important.) Playing an incident out in your mind might also help you bring it to closure.

I think I would have walked over to that family and said, "Can’t you see how you’re embarrassing these children with your rude behavior?" The strength of that response is that you immediately assert control and imply that it is not you who is the source of embarrassment and discomfort, but her. Further, you make the point that you have nothing to be ashamed of, nothing to apologize for. You have stated the truth.

Now, if the children were really young, and I were feeling very mischievous, I might walk over to the table and introduce myself as "Mrs. Santa Claus." I’d tell them that Santa doesn’t like it when people say bad things about fat people. That would give the children a positive fat role model they are familiar with and leave the mother with something really tough to sort out with her young offspring. Even if she is able to dismiss the idea that I’m Mrs. Claus, the idea that Santa Claus doesn’t like hateful things to be said about fat people is going to stick.

I would never, ever let these people put me on the defensive. I would never, ever assume that I had anything to apologize for because I was a fat woman. I have the right to be who I am. The most likely thing I would do is laugh at how outrageously the woman was behaving. That’s right. I’d laugh. Loudly. Wholeheartedly. I’d think to myself, What a sad life this woman must have that my simply walking into the same store should send her into such publicly rude and out-of-control behavior.

I might stop by the family’s table on the way out and say, "You’re sooo right. Being able to control what you put in your mouth is important. But far more important is being able to control what comes out of your mouth."

Well, enough. Be happy. Be strong.

Growing up, I was only about five to ten pounds heavier than my classmates, just enough to get teased now and then. My mother was very heavy, and I watched her go on one diet after another. Nothing she tried ever resulted in weight loss. And she never pushed her dieting on my brother and me. In fact, we were fed well. It was our father who was most concerned, especially after my mother died at age thirty-six.

My father frequently commented on my weight, telling me I had to lose weight, or telling me I was too bulky or needed to tone up. My weight was a topic of discussion even as the years went on and I moved away. On the phone my father would still ask, "How is your diet doing?" Or "Have you lost any weight?" He would constantly tell me I was going to have problems later in life if I didn’t do something while I was young.

The turnaround came shortly after I discovered this fat-acceptance news group (online) last week. I called my father and the subject of my weight came up, as usual. I told him how depressed I had been for so long and how I didn’t want my weight to be an issue anymore. I told him I needed to learn to accept, and, yes, even be happy with, myself as I am now. Surprisingly, he said, "You’re right."

I honestly believe my father has meant well. I’m still not sure what is healthy and what is not, but I do know that I am unhappy and have been for a long time. Through this fat-acceptance news group I have come to a way of thinking I never thought was possible.

—Terri Gill
terrig@eskimo.com ©

Sculpture by Jeong Soo Koh.

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